On a beautiful September day in 2009, Boyfriend and I were leaving Brother and SIL's house after my adorable nephew's first birthday party. I was originally going to stay through the whole weekend but with school work at the time, I decided that I had to leave that Saturday afternoon instead. This ultimately proved to be one of the best decisions I ever made.
The drive was proceeding wonderfully. The skies were sunny, the temperature perfect. Boyfriend and I were cruising happily along with our windows down and our hair blowing attractively about our faces. We're traveling approximately 60 mph and Boyfriend was beginning to doze off into what would have probably been a blissful passenger-seat slumber.
I happen to look up and see a large bird of prey swooping from the trees beside the road. I'm in disbelief as I realize that this bird has horribly miscalculated its attack and I'm going to hit it as it quickly approaches the ground. In a split second I'm thinking "Oh my gosh I'm going to hit this bird and it's going to crack my windshield because it's massive and seriously, who hits birds? and is this bird for real swooping right this second because surely it's been a bird long enough to learn proper attack protocol..."
My thinking was abruptly halted when I heard the loud "POW!" of what I thought was bird against my windshield. I yell a religious-laced obscenity and look quickly at windshield to see that, thankfully, Suicidal Bird had not cracked it. Whew for me, unfortunate for the massive avian predator I just likely obliterated.
It dawned on me, then, that Boyfriend had not yelled out as I had, which struck me as odd because Suicidal Bird would have hit right in front of him and surely that would look awesome or at least wake him up. When I look at Boyfriend, I see that he's crouched over in the fetal position of my passenger seat and yelling "What the HELL was THAT?! I think the visor just hit me in the head!" I thought this strange because visor was still against the car ceiling as it should be.
Then I saw feathers on my dashboard.
Then it dawned on me.
Then I laughed harder than I've ever laughed in my entire life.
Boyfriend had just been hit in the face by Suicidal Bird.
I explain to him, through fits of uncontrollable laughter, that he has just been hit by a sizable bird of prey and he doesn't believe me. I point to the feathers strewn across my dashboard and floor, to the visor that is still in its rightful place and tell him what I saw. He adds that the greatest amount of pain is on the right side of his head, with some pain on his left ear as well. All signs point to Suicidal Bird colliding with his face and wing wrapping around his head. I cannot rightfully explain how hard I was laughing. Okay, sure, Boyfriend could have died or at least lost an eye should unfortunate talon-placement have transpired, but that didn't happen and Boyfriend laughed too so I don't feel guilty.
Then the phone calls begin.
My third call was to Brother. I recount the story to him and he asks, "Is the bird still in the car?" I tell him of course not, Suicidal Bird cannot possibly be in the car. Upon further consideration, Boyfriend and I take into account that only his and my window were down so unless it flew out behind my head and out of my window, or bounced off of his face, there's a chance the bird could still be in my car. Boyfriend turns around.
"Uh, Em? Yeah, the bird's in the car."
"No it's not."
"Yes it is. It's in the backseat."
*I picture deer scene from Tommy Boy, become somewhat frightened and decide that Boyfriend is joking with me, otherwise we are in severe peril.*
"Take a picture with your phone, then."
*Boyfriend takes picture with phone. Shows me picture of bird on what looks alarmingly similar to my backseat*
"Holy [expletive!]"
Thankfully we came to a red light and I was able to turn around to see the carnage for myself. What I saw was a hawk or falcon or osprey slumped against the door behind me, fatally resting on my overnight bag. The hawk/falcon/osprey/something had flown into Boyfriend's face, continued its trajectory and met with an unforgiving window behind my seat. Since the loud explosion-like sound I heard couldn't have come from contact with Boyfriend's face, I think what I heard was the hawk-window showdown.
We stopped at a gas station a few miles down the road, but I could never shake the feeling that this bird was going to awaken and fly around my car, seriously pissed off. Unfortunately fur Suicidal Bird, he could not have been more dead. I get gloves from gas station to remove the bird from my car, but decide that we can't just throw it away. The bird really is lovely and is probably a juvenile so it deserves a proper burial.
Or actually, we wanted to stuff it. After numerous calls, however, we are told that it is illegal in our state to stuff a bird of prey and we could get in serious trouble if we were found to have this dead bird in our possession.
And also, no one would believe us without the animal. AND we needed to compare it to pictures in bird books to see what it was.
Ultimately, we gave it a proper burial but not before stopping by my parents' houses and our friend's house, where we attended a birthday party and thus got to show it to almost all of our friends.
I wanted Boyfriend to be called "Hawk" but it didn't stick, much to the dismay of Boyfriend and me.
And here, for your viewing pleasure, is the Rough-Legged Hawk that my ninja Boyfriend killed with his face:
The question that still haunts me to this day: What on earth did the people behind us see?
1 comment:
That is some funny **&%#@ keep them coming. I just had my whole family rolling on the floor.
Post a Comment