I haven't traveled a great deal at all. I do believe that this facet of my life kept me from meeting Prince William and living out my life's destiny of becoming an actual princess instead of just the royalty I believe myself to be in my head, but I digress. Until a few months ago, I had never been in a state that did not border the Atlantic Ocean. I have now been west of the Appalachians and it was quite exciting. Clearly, I want to travel because almost anywhere is new to me. And new = exciting. Very exciting. When riding through Indiana and Illinios is the highlight of your recent traveling life, there's an issue. I've never had a passport and I have no reason to need one in the near future. I need to see more.
You would think, then, that I'd be willing to go almost anywhere. Assuming a trip is free, this might be true but even then there are places that you probably couldn't pay me to go. I think we all have these types of places. Those places -- the ones that don't necessarily contain those roads visited frequently by Westerners accustomed to certain luxuries (like bathrooms) -- aren't really the focus here. There are perfectly legitimate travel destinations that I have no desire to visit.
Places I Have No Desire to Visit
1. Africa.
Nope, no desire to go to Africa. I mean sure, I'd go to South Africa where English is spoken widely, but even there the water is pretty cold so I don't fancy myself taking kindly to the beaches. There are penguins there though and that might be enough to change my mind. The rest of Africa though? No thanks. Maybe Egypt, but really once I see the pyramids I'm done. When I think of vacations, sweating in the desert or on a safari seeing animals I can see in any North American zoo is not a part of the fantasy. I prefer not to be dusty and frightened that these animals may turn on us at any time. When I think of Africa, I think of hot and dusty and that's just not my idea of relaxing.
2. India.
If it came to it, I would pay to avoid going to India. With my personal space issues, India is not a comfortable choice to me. I get very uncomfortable and anxious and slightly ADD if someone has infiltrated my bubble. I can't think of anything other than the breach of bubble security. Combined with the aforementioned dislike of heat, I think India would cause extreme internal discomfort. I also don't know what I'd eat. I'm the pickiest adult eater with whom you'll ever come into contact and it's not like I can eat beef there. India would not be fun for me.
3. Actually, most of Asia.
Okay, so I kind of want to go to Japan but otherwise Asia doesn't interest me that much. A lot of that comes from the food thing, but there's also a distinct language barrier I don't think I'll ever break. I also picture Asia as very humid and full of people who don't respect my bubble.
4. Detroit.
I like cars, but not enough.
5. Iowa.
I don't like corn so I think Iowa would just be a total bust.
6. Amsterdam.
I've never smoked pot and I needn't any prostitutes so I feel like I'd be wasting my time. And Amsterdam's time. I'll spend my time in other European places.
7. Mexico.
So I hear Cabo is cool, but I can go other tropical places where drug cartels and narcotraffickers don't visit tourist destinations for victims. Mexico is actually quite dangerous. I've always just thought that if I could afford the cost of a vacation to a destination with great beaches, it would be somewhere in which I'm comfortable leaving my resort and has more history that I care about. When I vacation, I want to feel safe, clean and be able to drink the water.
8. The Bahamas.
It just seems so over. I'm also told it's dirty and people swarm on you.
9. The Middle East.
It's dusty. It's scary. I wouldn't be able to eat anything. I'm also Christian, look Jewish and have assets that are difficult to hide. I think travel here for me could be sketchy.
10. Las Vegas.
I'm not a dude at a bachelor party. I'm not a stripper at a dude's bachelor party. I've been to Atlantic City and AC at least has boardwalks on the beach. I see no reason to visit a bigger AC in the middle of the desert. Also, the phrase "What happens in Vegas" has spawned so many copycat sayings for places that are not nearly as interesting or sinful that it makes me somewhat resent Las Vegas. Your reputation precedes you, Vegas, and I'm uninterested.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
List One: Annoyances/Happinesses
Sometimes I feel the need to write down my annoyances if only because sometimes reading them puts them in perspective and I get over myself. Then sometimes someone else reads them and says "Hey that annoys me too" and I feel instantly vindicated. However, as I'm trying to become a happier person, I have decided that I will not produce a list comprised of only annoyances, but will instead balance out said list with things that make me happy. I will do the happy one last so it will end on the high note. I will also ensure that I come up with at least one more Thing That Makes Me Happy than Thing That Annoys Me. I'm positive like that.
Things that annoy me:
1. People coming to me at work before trying to figure it out on their own. Of course, if it was something I regularly did and was a part of my job then this wouldn't be an issue. But it never is. Today, for instance, I received an e-mail that our location on the campus map was incorrect and could I "have someone fix this immediately." I have nothing to do with campus maps, much less how they appear on the website. You know who does? Creative Services, as indicated on this webpage. There is a button at the bottom of the page for "Send us updates or comments." Instead of that person who noticed the issue--and is the only one WITH an issue b/c our location actually isn't "wrong" per se--hitting that button and filling out the web form, she e-mailed me when all I will be able to do is hit said button.
2. Someone asking me to do something because they don't want to do it. Again, it's not necessarily my job, they just don't want to do it. I know you don't want to order the lunches, but what makes you think I want to just because I've done it before? I hate doing it. It's coming to your people for your event and is getting charged to your account. What makes it worse is that you came to me for assistance and after I had provided you with all of the necessary information and contacts, you literally handed it back to me and said "Can you do this? I hate calling for this stuff." What the heck?
3. People who drive in the rain/snow/dark without headlights. Not only is it the law to have your lights on in these conditions, but we other drivers cannot see you otherwise. It's never the people who drive bright yellow or red cars either. Ninety-eight per cent of the time, it's people driving silver, gray, white, or some other color automobile that blends in seamlessly with the environment.
4. When people switch up their routine and in doing so, disrupt mine. I'm an intense creature of habit. I'm not a fan of change once I've established a routine that works for me. This was never more prominent than when I was in school and 8 weeks into the semester, a classmate had decided he or she wanted to sit in the seat I had occupied for the previous 8 weeks of class. I don't want to sit anywhere else, if I did then I would have sat there on the first day of class. That whole class where I sat somewhere differently would be a complete loss for me b/c I'd be able to think of nothing else and I'd be uncomfortable. I'd be wondering why, halfway through the semester, someone had decided they wanted to sit somewhere else and why that happened to be my seat. Likewise, if I've been parking in the same spot at work for a year and you've been parking in the same spot for about that long, don't decide one week that you'll take my spot. It's weird and it disrupts my day and we've established by now that I'm very important and can't have my day disrupted.
5. Christmas songs by former Beatles. Hate them. Give me Nat King Cole and Burl Ives and you keep your depressing Beatles.
6. People who always need your help but are too busy to provide you with some the very few times you ask for it. In a similar vein, people who ask for help they don't need. When I show up with 10 bags on my arms and I can walk to the front, please don't call me to come downstairs and open the back door b/c you have a single box--that I end up carrying.
Things that make me happy!:
1. Champagne. Hand me a glass of light crisp champagne and watch my smile illuminate my face. Korbel Brut=happiness in a flute. Or, you know, Solo cup.
2. Football. September-February I don't mind Sundays. The rest of the year though? Sundays blow.
3. Diet Dr. Pepper.
4. Snow!
5. My nephews. I could sit and watch them play and learn for hours. Hearing the oldest learn my name and actually want to hang out with me fills me with more joy than I could ever imagine.
6. MAC makeup. It's only the best.
7. My two cats. They're only the cutest things ever and I swear they understand me and we can communicate rather effectively. You've seen the crazy cat lady? That's going to be me when I get a larger house and find someone to divorce me and leave me alone, paving the way for increased feline presence. Enter 50 cats.
Things that annoy me:
1. People coming to me at work before trying to figure it out on their own. Of course, if it was something I regularly did and was a part of my job then this wouldn't be an issue. But it never is. Today, for instance, I received an e-mail that our location on the campus map was incorrect and could I "have someone fix this immediately." I have nothing to do with campus maps, much less how they appear on the website. You know who does? Creative Services, as indicated on this webpage. There is a button at the bottom of the page for "Send us updates or comments." Instead of that person who noticed the issue--and is the only one WITH an issue b/c our location actually isn't "wrong" per se--hitting that button and filling out the web form, she e-mailed me when all I will be able to do is hit said button.
2. Someone asking me to do something because they don't want to do it. Again, it's not necessarily my job, they just don't want to do it. I know you don't want to order the lunches, but what makes you think I want to just because I've done it before? I hate doing it. It's coming to your people for your event and is getting charged to your account. What makes it worse is that you came to me for assistance and after I had provided you with all of the necessary information and contacts, you literally handed it back to me and said "Can you do this? I hate calling for this stuff." What the heck?
3. People who drive in the rain/snow/dark without headlights. Not only is it the law to have your lights on in these conditions, but we other drivers cannot see you otherwise. It's never the people who drive bright yellow or red cars either. Ninety-eight per cent of the time, it's people driving silver, gray, white, or some other color automobile that blends in seamlessly with the environment.
4. When people switch up their routine and in doing so, disrupt mine. I'm an intense creature of habit. I'm not a fan of change once I've established a routine that works for me. This was never more prominent than when I was in school and 8 weeks into the semester, a classmate had decided he or she wanted to sit in the seat I had occupied for the previous 8 weeks of class. I don't want to sit anywhere else, if I did then I would have sat there on the first day of class. That whole class where I sat somewhere differently would be a complete loss for me b/c I'd be able to think of nothing else and I'd be uncomfortable. I'd be wondering why, halfway through the semester, someone had decided they wanted to sit somewhere else and why that happened to be my seat. Likewise, if I've been parking in the same spot at work for a year and you've been parking in the same spot for about that long, don't decide one week that you'll take my spot. It's weird and it disrupts my day and we've established by now that I'm very important and can't have my day disrupted.
5. Christmas songs by former Beatles. Hate them. Give me Nat King Cole and Burl Ives and you keep your depressing Beatles.
6. People who always need your help but are too busy to provide you with some the very few times you ask for it. In a similar vein, people who ask for help they don't need. When I show up with 10 bags on my arms and I can walk to the front, please don't call me to come downstairs and open the back door b/c you have a single box--that I end up carrying.
Things that make me happy!:
1. Champagne. Hand me a glass of light crisp champagne and watch my smile illuminate my face. Korbel Brut=happiness in a flute. Or, you know, Solo cup.
2. Football. September-February I don't mind Sundays. The rest of the year though? Sundays blow.
3. Diet Dr. Pepper.
4. Snow!
5. My nephews. I could sit and watch them play and learn for hours. Hearing the oldest learn my name and actually want to hang out with me fills me with more joy than I could ever imagine.
6. MAC makeup. It's only the best.
7. My two cats. They're only the cutest things ever and I swear they understand me and we can communicate rather effectively. You've seen the crazy cat lady? That's going to be me when I get a larger house and find someone to divorce me and leave me alone, paving the way for increased feline presence. Enter 50 cats.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Concession to Kate Middleton
Anyone who knows me knows that I called Prince William a long time ago. As a child I knew he was a catch and was my best way of achieving my career goal: Princess. But not only any prince would do. He needed to be my age, handsome, appear normal, and preferably be British because I've always liked the accents. Given my mother's admiration of Diana, Princess of Wales, I learned of my future prince pretty early. He was only a year younger than I. He was handsome. It looked like Diana was doing everything in her power to allow him to grow up "normal" (as normal as a prince being raised by royals and whose mother herself was an aristocrat, thus she herself probably wasn't "normal" as we commoners would normally associate with the word). He was most assuredly British. I called him when my age was naught but in the single digits.
Unfortunately, I never traveled much. I really only ever went to the Outer Banks and he didn't visit there much. I never could make it to Britain. We were never in the same place at the same time. I was already enrolled in my undergraduate institution and I loved it, so I could neither conjure up the funds nor the desire for a transfer to St. Andrews. I knew this would probably be my downfall. It was.
He met Kate Middleton and apparently they hit it off. She landed William AND Lady Di's ring and while I can't shake the feeling that Miss Middleton takes everything from me even though I most assuredly called him first and I truly believe that a woman of her upbringing understands the concept of "dibs," I guess I must concede.
Well played, Middleton. Consider yourself lucky I couldn't ever make it to the UK.
Unfortunately, I never traveled much. I really only ever went to the Outer Banks and he didn't visit there much. I never could make it to Britain. We were never in the same place at the same time. I was already enrolled in my undergraduate institution and I loved it, so I could neither conjure up the funds nor the desire for a transfer to St. Andrews. I knew this would probably be my downfall. It was.
He met Kate Middleton and apparently they hit it off. She landed William AND Lady Di's ring and while I can't shake the feeling that Miss Middleton takes everything from me even though I most assuredly called him first and I truly believe that a woman of her upbringing understands the concept of "dibs," I guess I must concede.
Well played, Middleton. Consider yourself lucky I couldn't ever make it to the UK.
Tuesday, November 09, 2010
Counting, and Especially Reading, Is Hard
Last year I completed graduate school. In May I got a graduate certificate (that essentially means that I "majored" in something and the work was a bit more extensive than undergrad, but not enough to be a graduate degree. It's like recognized official extra credit) and in December I got a master's. I submitted these accomplishments to my undergraduate institution's magazine. See, in each issue there is a "Class Notes" section where the achievements of alumni are recognized. It didn't come in the Spring 2010 issue, which was the first one I received after submitting my awesome accomplishment but I was fine with this because they were probably already getting ready for publication and they held my note for the next issue. The next issue I received was Fall 2010, and that came a few weeks ago. I looked in the Class Notes section and there is no mention of me. Hmm. Being the investigator and unparalleled internet researcher that I am, I found the issue with my submission.
My note was published in Summer 2010. I know I would have looked in every subsequent magazine I received after my submission and I never saw it. I don't remember the cover (while this may not mean much to some, I have somewhat of a photographic memory so if I've seen something, I will usually remember it). I look in my stash of alumni magazines and I don't see the cover I don't recognize. In the six years after graduating from my undergraduate institution, I have never missed an issue of the alumni magazine.
Until something about me was in it.
If I was going to miss an issue at some point during the 6 years after graduation, why wouldn't it be the only one in which I'm mentioned? This will not get me down. I will remedy this.
I send an e-mail to the magazine and let them know what is up. I say:
Hello,
I never received the Summer 2010 issue of the *Alumni Magazine* and was hoping one could be sent to me. I had an entry in the class notes published in that issue and while I know that's available online, I would like to have it in print if possible. Can that issue be sent to me?"
In response I'm told, "Sure thing, we'll get one out to you" and the author of the e-mail requests my mailing address, which I promptly provide.
Yippee I'm getting the Summer 2010 issue of the Alumni Magazine where I can see my name and my accomplishments!
In the mail yesterday is an unusually heavy envelope from my undergraduate institution's publishing department. I'm intrigued. I can't wait to open it. I've seen it online, but I want it in print! I can show my as-yet-not-conceived-kids my name in a magazine, revealing the acquisition of degrees that are also hanging on my walls so they'd see them anyway, but this way they can see that my much-favored undergraduate institution talked about me! Yay!
Inside the envelope are three Fall 2010 issues.
The Fall 2010 issue I received on time is 20 steps away in my bedroom. I now have three additional copies of a magazine I already had. I asked for one copy of Summer 2010. I got three copies of Fall 2010. I went to school known for engineering, business, biology, geosciences, computer science, and other smart programs that require the ability to read and count. Fail.
I can't wait to see if I get Spring 2009 sometime next week.
My note was published in Summer 2010. I know I would have looked in every subsequent magazine I received after my submission and I never saw it. I don't remember the cover (while this may not mean much to some, I have somewhat of a photographic memory so if I've seen something, I will usually remember it). I look in my stash of alumni magazines and I don't see the cover I don't recognize. In the six years after graduating from my undergraduate institution, I have never missed an issue of the alumni magazine.
Until something about me was in it.
If I was going to miss an issue at some point during the 6 years after graduation, why wouldn't it be the only one in which I'm mentioned? This will not get me down. I will remedy this.
I send an e-mail to the magazine and let them know what is up. I say:
Hello,
I never received the Summer 2010 issue of the *Alumni Magazine* and was hoping one could be sent to me. I had an entry in the class notes published in that issue and while I know that's available online, I would like to have it in print if possible. Can that issue be sent to me?"
In response I'm told, "Sure thing, we'll get one out to you" and the author of the e-mail requests my mailing address, which I promptly provide.
Yippee I'm getting the Summer 2010 issue of the Alumni Magazine where I can see my name and my accomplishments!
In the mail yesterday is an unusually heavy envelope from my undergraduate institution's publishing department. I'm intrigued. I can't wait to open it. I've seen it online, but I want it in print! I can show my as-yet-not-conceived-kids my name in a magazine, revealing the acquisition of degrees that are also hanging on my walls so they'd see them anyway, but this way they can see that my much-favored undergraduate institution talked about me! Yay!
Inside the envelope are three Fall 2010 issues.
The Fall 2010 issue I received on time is 20 steps away in my bedroom. I now have three additional copies of a magazine I already had. I asked for one copy of Summer 2010. I got three copies of Fall 2010. I went to school known for engineering, business, biology, geosciences, computer science, and other smart programs that require the ability to read and count. Fail.
I can't wait to see if I get Spring 2009 sometime next week.
The Funny List
Comedy is the subject about which I'm most passionate. Some people care about politics, some about the environment, some people care about education, and others about babies.
Me? I care about comedy. I care about stand-up comedy especially. It's exceedingly difficult to please me with stand-up. It has to be done correctly. It has to be sharp, smart, quick, and like the person is telling stories instead of jokes. I want to laugh about life. They have to be random and make me laugh because I can't see the punchline coming or I never would have thought of that comparison. If I can predict the joke, or if you yell at me and think the way to make me laugh is by screaming profanities, I won't laugh. If you can say the same profanities in funny witty stories that I can't predict, then you might make it on Em's Funny List someday. This is of course a goal to which all aspiring comedians should strive since I do have a knack for recognizing the goods. After all, I had my friends watching Jeff Dunham back in the late 80s/early 90s when MTV had its "Half-Hour Comedy Hour" and I thought his Jalepeno on a Stick was just too funny to adequately describe so I'd have them come to my house when it was on. Never heard of, or don't remember, MTV's Half-Hour Comedy Hour? I win.
The following are my favorite comedians, in ascending order:
10. Steve Byrne. I sure hope he'll be making a name for himself quite soon. Very funny Asian.
9. Steven Wright. Most people know him as "The Guy on the Couch" in Half-Baked. He's so much more than that. His stand-up was a little like Mitch Hedberg's in that it was very dry and deadpan and his one-liners were fantastic.
8. 90s Paula Poundstone. I loved her act. Many times she'd just come out and talk to the audience--completely improv. I can't tell you how intelligent that is to me. If you can go out on stage with no material and just have faith in your own quick wit then you know you've picked the correct path. I'd love to just hang out with her. I think she'd kill me with laughter.
7. Eddie Murphy. His "Eddie Murphy Raw" is still one of the funniest stand-up shows ever.
6. Ellen DeGeneres. One of her earliest routines included an airline focus. I still reference it. I love when someone recognizes the hilarity of life. I want to hang out with her too.
5. Bill Cosby. A true classic. He's gone kind of crazy and isn't as funny anymore (saw him in December 2008 and he kind of reminded me of your grandfather who's losing it and has become totally inappropriate but not in a funny way) but his early stuff is fabulous. I re-purchased "Bill Cosby: Himself" just a few years ago and laughed as hard as I did the first time. I want chocolate caaaaake!
4. Mitch Hedburg. If you see an escalator out of service and think to yourself "Escalators can never break down. They simply become stairs" then Mitch touched you too. "A friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said "no." Then I thought I might want a regular banana later, so, yes."
3. Daniel Tosh. He's new, so for him to be so high on Em's Funny List is special. I love biting sarcasm and someone who's not afraid to be politically incorrect, but not offensive (unless you're sensitive and then you probably find him offensive, in which case you probably shouldn't be watching comedy). He makes you realize that it's impossible to be mad on a jet ski. He's totally right. If someone said I could have free tickets to any comedian's show, he'd be second on the list.
2. George Carlin. He's the Godfather of Comedy. In my opinion, funny didn't exist in its present form before George Carlin. His ability to make humor out of every day situations in which we all share was priceless. "Things We Share" is one of my favorites from him and I always think about it when I'm going up or down stairs and I think there's one more step. Or pick up a suitcase I think is full but it's really empty and for a split second I think I'm really strong. The only reason he's not second on my list of comedians I want to see in person is, you know, the dead thing.
1. Eddie Izzard. He's the funniest person on the planet. When you think of smart, witty comedy with randomness abounding, Eddie Izzard is the master. One of the greatest things about him is his spontaneity and improv. Each show is different because he doesn't write his stuff down. He knows about what he wants to talk but two shows on a given tour can be markedly different from one another. You know that guy on Family Guy who just gets sarcasm and finds stuff "funny because it's true!"? That's how I feel when I watch Eddie Izzard. His subjects are hilarious stories and historical analysis. I know that doesn't sound funny, but it is. I can honestly say that 48 hours will not pass that I don't speak an Izzard quote, make an Eddie reference, or think silently to myself, "Oooh. Stupid man." This man is a genius and a true comedic icon.
I'd also like to add an honorable mention for Dana Carvey. His 1995 HBO special, "Critic's Choice" is one of my favorites. He just didn't do stand-up long enough to make my list because this is for stand-up.
You'll notice that Chris Rock is not on this list. I recognize Rock's hilarity. When I read his quotations from his acts, I laugh hard. It's his delivery that turns me off and thus, I cannot include him on Em's Funny List since it's MY favorite comedians and not necessarily the all-encompassing Best of All Time (though really, it should be). He yells at me and I'm not a fan of that. It's a shame too because the man's material really is funny.
Me? I care about comedy. I care about stand-up comedy especially. It's exceedingly difficult to please me with stand-up. It has to be done correctly. It has to be sharp, smart, quick, and like the person is telling stories instead of jokes. I want to laugh about life. They have to be random and make me laugh because I can't see the punchline coming or I never would have thought of that comparison. If I can predict the joke, or if you yell at me and think the way to make me laugh is by screaming profanities, I won't laugh. If you can say the same profanities in funny witty stories that I can't predict, then you might make it on Em's Funny List someday. This is of course a goal to which all aspiring comedians should strive since I do have a knack for recognizing the goods. After all, I had my friends watching Jeff Dunham back in the late 80s/early 90s when MTV had its "Half-Hour Comedy Hour" and I thought his Jalepeno on a Stick was just too funny to adequately describe so I'd have them come to my house when it was on. Never heard of, or don't remember, MTV's Half-Hour Comedy Hour? I win.
The following are my favorite comedians, in ascending order:
10. Steve Byrne. I sure hope he'll be making a name for himself quite soon. Very funny Asian.
9. Steven Wright. Most people know him as "The Guy on the Couch" in Half-Baked. He's so much more than that. His stand-up was a little like Mitch Hedberg's in that it was very dry and deadpan and his one-liners were fantastic.
8. 90s Paula Poundstone. I loved her act. Many times she'd just come out and talk to the audience--completely improv. I can't tell you how intelligent that is to me. If you can go out on stage with no material and just have faith in your own quick wit then you know you've picked the correct path. I'd love to just hang out with her. I think she'd kill me with laughter.
7. Eddie Murphy. His "Eddie Murphy Raw" is still one of the funniest stand-up shows ever.
6. Ellen DeGeneres. One of her earliest routines included an airline focus. I still reference it. I love when someone recognizes the hilarity of life. I want to hang out with her too.
5. Bill Cosby. A true classic. He's gone kind of crazy and isn't as funny anymore (saw him in December 2008 and he kind of reminded me of your grandfather who's losing it and has become totally inappropriate but not in a funny way) but his early stuff is fabulous. I re-purchased "Bill Cosby: Himself" just a few years ago and laughed as hard as I did the first time. I want chocolate caaaaake!
4. Mitch Hedburg. If you see an escalator out of service and think to yourself "Escalators can never break down. They simply become stairs" then Mitch touched you too. "A friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said "no." Then I thought I might want a regular banana later, so, yes."
3. Daniel Tosh. He's new, so for him to be so high on Em's Funny List is special. I love biting sarcasm and someone who's not afraid to be politically incorrect, but not offensive (unless you're sensitive and then you probably find him offensive, in which case you probably shouldn't be watching comedy). He makes you realize that it's impossible to be mad on a jet ski. He's totally right. If someone said I could have free tickets to any comedian's show, he'd be second on the list.
2. George Carlin. He's the Godfather of Comedy. In my opinion, funny didn't exist in its present form before George Carlin. His ability to make humor out of every day situations in which we all share was priceless. "Things We Share" is one of my favorites from him and I always think about it when I'm going up or down stairs and I think there's one more step. Or pick up a suitcase I think is full but it's really empty and for a split second I think I'm really strong. The only reason he's not second on my list of comedians I want to see in person is, you know, the dead thing.
1. Eddie Izzard. He's the funniest person on the planet. When you think of smart, witty comedy with randomness abounding, Eddie Izzard is the master. One of the greatest things about him is his spontaneity and improv. Each show is different because he doesn't write his stuff down. He knows about what he wants to talk but two shows on a given tour can be markedly different from one another. You know that guy on Family Guy who just gets sarcasm and finds stuff "funny because it's true!"? That's how I feel when I watch Eddie Izzard. His subjects are hilarious stories and historical analysis. I know that doesn't sound funny, but it is. I can honestly say that 48 hours will not pass that I don't speak an Izzard quote, make an Eddie reference, or think silently to myself, "Oooh. Stupid man." This man is a genius and a true comedic icon.
I'd also like to add an honorable mention for Dana Carvey. His 1995 HBO special, "Critic's Choice" is one of my favorites. He just didn't do stand-up long enough to make my list because this is for stand-up.
You'll notice that Chris Rock is not on this list. I recognize Rock's hilarity. When I read his quotations from his acts, I laugh hard. It's his delivery that turns me off and thus, I cannot include him on Em's Funny List since it's MY favorite comedians and not necessarily the all-encompassing Best of All Time (though really, it should be). He yells at me and I'm not a fan of that. It's a shame too because the man's material really is funny.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Brother/Sister E-mail #1
From Brother:
Subject: Brother's feelings on his new field trip
I had a meeting yesterday ... and my supervisor has
given me blanket permission to travel to help.
So, when I got home yesterday, I thought I should find the right music
to set the tone. I subsequently found my Less Than Zero Original Motion
Picture Soundtrack, put it on Track #4, and cranked up "Going Back to
Cali" by LL Cool J 'cause I'm just that cool.
Whenever I remember to bring it in, I'll be playing it here in the
office whenever I find out the exact date I'm going.
From Me:
Subject: RE: Brother's feelings on his new field trip
Having that song in today's digital world would raise relatively few
eyebrows to those of us who remember music released prior to 1990.
Undeniably, we can all play songs from our youth that bring forth fond
memories and perhaps lend way to a few good laughs among good company.
However, we all read that you pulled out your "CD," which means that at
some point in time you willfully obtained and spent money on this entire
album. While standing in a retail establishment, you spotted this CD
and thought, "I should get that. This is a good idea" and thus further
expanded your immense CD collection. I've often wondered how you have
been able to acquire a collection of, at my personal last count, close
to 500 compact discs and thereby compiling one of the most eclectic
music collections this side of Plan 9 and other similar
patchouli-reeking emo establishments that no self-respecting untattooed
white chick with brushable hair from the suburbs should enter. Now I
have figured it out: you simply cannot be too discriminate. You must
live for the moment. Make the purchase. You recognize that at some
point in time, the soundtrack of life may necessitate any and every song
ever composed and you must be ready.
Thus, one must remain ready--Be Prepared, if you will--for any occasion
the soundtrack of life may need to further enhance--nay, illuminate--to
provide proper support of the moment.
And Brother, you are ready.
Never will you be forced to let the question of, "Will I have the
appropriate musical styling that will fit this precise moment with which
life has presented me" go unanswered. You already know the answer is
yes--yes you will have it. Whatever "it" may be, you will have it.
Less Than Zero: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack? Check. Spice
Girls' Spice World? Got it. Hall & Oats? Undoubtedly. Iron Maiden's
entire catalog and Hilary Duff are available as well for those
situations requiring their use. You are an example of preparedness to
us all. You, sir, are ready. Ready for life. That, unquestionably, is
gangsta. And it should feel damn good.
From Brother:
Subject: RE: Brother's feelings on his new field trip
...and on the way home, particularly on my way to and while I'm at the
airport to depart to come home, I shall play Phil Collins "Take Me Home"
from the "No Jacket Required" album, because that's the song played at
the end of the "Prodigal Son" episode of Miami Vice's Season 2 premiere,
when Crocket & Tubbs go to New York, and Crockett's waiting at the
airport, smoking a cigarette mind you (taboo in today's society, now he
would drink coffee), waiting on Tubbs to decide if he's going back to
Miami or staying in New York. It's a timeless classic.
Gene Simmons is in that episode, in the beginning, living a boat, I
mean, a yacht.
From Me:
Subject: RE: Brother's feelings on his new field trip
The Miami Vice Soundtrack should be at the top of the queue for this
field trip. Remember that it doesn't matter if it's heroin,
cocaine, or hash--you've got to carry weapons, because you always carry
cash. Considering they move it through Miami and sell it in LA, such an
occurrence is not absent from the realm of possibility and Glenn Frey
can most assuredly assist in adequately captivating that moment.
And please, for the love of God, if you must storm into a room for
whatever reason, you must be ready to amp up your partners and there is
but one sound bite that will adequately address that need: Leeroy
Jenkins. Yet one more reason why one's music catalog must always grow
and be open to additions no matter how large or small. Every moment in
life needs its musical support and none are too unimportant. No sir,
every moment bears with it its own importance.
Subject: Brother's feelings on his new field trip
I had a meeting yesterday ... and my supervisor has
given me blanket permission to travel to help.
So, when I got home yesterday, I thought I should find the right music
to set the tone. I subsequently found my Less Than Zero Original Motion
Picture Soundtrack, put it on Track #4, and cranked up "Going Back to
Cali" by LL Cool J 'cause I'm just that cool.
Whenever I remember to bring it in, I'll be playing it here in the
office whenever I find out the exact date I'm going.
From Me:
Subject: RE: Brother's feelings on his new field trip
Having that song in today's digital world would raise relatively few
eyebrows to those of us who remember music released prior to 1990.
Undeniably, we can all play songs from our youth that bring forth fond
memories and perhaps lend way to a few good laughs among good company.
However, we all read that you pulled out your "CD," which means that at
some point in time you willfully obtained and spent money on this entire
album. While standing in a retail establishment, you spotted this CD
and thought, "I should get that. This is a good idea" and thus further
expanded your immense CD collection. I've often wondered how you have
been able to acquire a collection of, at my personal last count, close
to 500 compact discs and thereby compiling one of the most eclectic
music collections this side of Plan 9 and other similar
patchouli-reeking emo establishments that no self-respecting untattooed
white chick with brushable hair from the suburbs should enter. Now I
have figured it out: you simply cannot be too discriminate. You must
live for the moment. Make the purchase. You recognize that at some
point in time, the soundtrack of life may necessitate any and every song
ever composed and you must be ready.
Thus, one must remain ready--Be Prepared, if you will--for any occasion
the soundtrack of life may need to further enhance--nay, illuminate--to
provide proper support of the moment.
And Brother, you are ready.
Never will you be forced to let the question of, "Will I have the
appropriate musical styling that will fit this precise moment with which
life has presented me" go unanswered. You already know the answer is
yes--yes you will have it. Whatever "it" may be, you will have it.
Less Than Zero: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack? Check. Spice
Girls' Spice World? Got it. Hall & Oats? Undoubtedly. Iron Maiden's
entire catalog and Hilary Duff are available as well for those
situations requiring their use. You are an example of preparedness to
us all. You, sir, are ready. Ready for life. That, unquestionably, is
gangsta. And it should feel damn good.
From Brother:
Subject: RE: Brother's feelings on his new field trip
...and on the way home, particularly on my way to and while I'm at the
airport to depart to come home, I shall play Phil Collins "Take Me Home"
from the "No Jacket Required" album, because that's the song played at
the end of the "Prodigal Son" episode of Miami Vice's Season 2 premiere,
when Crocket & Tubbs go to New York, and Crockett's waiting at the
airport, smoking a cigarette mind you (taboo in today's society, now he
would drink coffee), waiting on Tubbs to decide if he's going back to
Miami or staying in New York. It's a timeless classic.
Gene Simmons is in that episode, in the beginning, living a boat, I
mean, a yacht.
From Me:
Subject: RE: Brother's feelings on his new field trip
The Miami Vice Soundtrack should be at the top of the queue for this
field trip. Remember that it doesn't matter if it's heroin,
cocaine, or hash--you've got to carry weapons, because you always carry
cash. Considering they move it through Miami and sell it in LA, such an
occurrence is not absent from the realm of possibility and Glenn Frey
can most assuredly assist in adequately captivating that moment.
And please, for the love of God, if you must storm into a room for
whatever reason, you must be ready to amp up your partners and there is
but one sound bite that will adequately address that need: Leeroy
Jenkins. Yet one more reason why one's music catalog must always grow
and be open to additions no matter how large or small. Every moment in
life needs its musical support and none are too unimportant. No sir,
every moment bears with it its own importance.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Misleading Title
Don't expect a lot. Titling yourself as "funny" is usually done by someone who is not actually funny or it means no one will laugh when you'd like them to. There's a reason behind the title and conceit nor confidence comprise that reason.
I went with "The Funny One" as my blog title because I couldn't think of anything clever and that's how I, as a bridesmaid, was introduced at my friends' wedding. I don't remember how any of of the other bridesmaids or groomsmen were introduced, I just remember standing in the doorway to be introduced, hearing my name, then hearing the DJ say that I was "the funny one of the group," (which is misleading because I hang out with a lot of people funnier than I, but maybe I was the funny girl at the time? I digress), and then laughing too hard to hear the rest of what he said, and thinking to myself "Crap, there's going to be a lot of pictures of me with my Stupid Laugh Face on." Indeed there were many pictures with me wearing my Stupid Laugh Face and I never did get to hear whether the DJ was joking nor how my groomsman escort was described and introduced because I was laughing too loud because I laugh too loud and it's embarrassing, especially in public. So there I am, laughing too loudly, my Stupid Laugh Face getting photographed so it will forever live on, not knowing if the bride and groom did actually think I was "the funny one of the group" or if they were making fun of me for thinking I was funny when I actually am not. For almost 7 years I've enjoyed thinking that they do actually think I was funny at the time and I'm not going back now.
So anyway, welcome to this. It has no real purpose, no real theme. Sometimes I just want to write but I'm not a good enough writer, or a coherent enough thinker, to actually write and publish a book. I can, however, write snippets. You're welcome.
Oh, the address? I could say it has real meaning but I'd be lying. thefunnyone.blogspot was taken. So was funnyone.blogspot. I didn't want numbers in the address, so I thought of a completely different "one" (I'm allowed to say it's completely different because when you're playing "Rhyme" in Pile of Death or Kings, they're allowed to be two separate answers). I support my decision of settling with the alternate spelling with the idea that the funny did win. Because funny always wins.
I went with "The Funny One" as my blog title because I couldn't think of anything clever and that's how I, as a bridesmaid, was introduced at my friends' wedding. I don't remember how any of of the other bridesmaids or groomsmen were introduced, I just remember standing in the doorway to be introduced, hearing my name, then hearing the DJ say that I was "the funny one of the group," (which is misleading because I hang out with a lot of people funnier than I, but maybe I was the funny girl at the time? I digress), and then laughing too hard to hear the rest of what he said, and thinking to myself "Crap, there's going to be a lot of pictures of me with my Stupid Laugh Face on." Indeed there were many pictures with me wearing my Stupid Laugh Face and I never did get to hear whether the DJ was joking nor how my groomsman escort was described and introduced because I was laughing too loud because I laugh too loud and it's embarrassing, especially in public. So there I am, laughing too loudly, my Stupid Laugh Face getting photographed so it will forever live on, not knowing if the bride and groom did actually think I was "the funny one of the group" or if they were making fun of me for thinking I was funny when I actually am not. For almost 7 years I've enjoyed thinking that they do actually think I was funny at the time and I'm not going back now.
So anyway, welcome to this. It has no real purpose, no real theme. Sometimes I just want to write but I'm not a good enough writer, or a coherent enough thinker, to actually write and publish a book. I can, however, write snippets. You're welcome.
Oh, the address? I could say it has real meaning but I'd be lying. thefunnyone.blogspot was taken. So was funnyone.blogspot. I didn't want numbers in the address, so I thought of a completely different "one" (I'm allowed to say it's completely different because when you're playing "Rhyme" in Pile of Death or Kings, they're allowed to be two separate answers). I support my decision of settling with the alternate spelling with the idea that the funny did win. Because funny always wins.
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